The Sky Felt Lower Today

i don't think you would understand if i told you exactly how i was feeling at this exact moment in time. you wouldn't understand and i wouldn't expect you too. if i told you that the sky felt lower today, that it felt like it was inches from the top of my head, would you nod and smile as if you knew what i was saying, but really you didn't and you wouldn't ask me to explain because not knowing was better then knowing. if i casually told you that i felt like dying, would you twist your face up like i was crazy and think of ways to get me committed. you would ask me questions of suicide and i would laugh them off because i really didn't mean i wanted to kill myself i simply meant i wanted to feel the action of not feeling anything ever again but you would worry and i would see it in your forehead but you wouldnt press any further because you didnt want to feel connected to my thought of dying, you wanted to live the next minutes, hours, days even, disconnected from what i had said incase i did in fact die. you wouldnt understand and you wouldnt want too and i would understand that. if i expressed extreme dissatisfaction would you give me your same old generic pep talk and carry on your day, you would, and i wouldnt mind, because i would know it is coming and would express my dissatisfaction just to get it out of you, because as unhelpful it really is, in some way it's better to hear it than to hear nothing at all. if i explained to you my reoccurring dream would you brush it off like any other dream, would you tell me i was taking things too seriously, that i should forget it. you would and i would see this coming but i would tell you all about it anyway, to seek a reaction out of you, to shed light into parts of me you know are there but dont want to be part of because they scare you. i dont think you understand and i understand that. its not meant to be understood, a lot of it i dont understand myself but i understand you and your rush to get through it, an obstacle in your life i often wonder if i should keep at bay.