Monday, May 16, 2011

Tying The Noose On My Beliefs

I'm not in it. Its like a layer of bricks on my skull, my shoulders, the pressure is pressing me down down down. And it's so very unattractive. The way I'm biting my lip to the notion of something I feel so strongly about, but why. Stop and look in the mirror, out of sight/out of mind and perhaps that’s exactly what I shall do. One of these days I just wont care and then what, a force field of pent up ammunition that I am no longer responsible for because the target is direct but I cant seem to gain any self control. A walking disaster, what is my problem. Your problems are none of my business, and I am condoning such behavior. It's sickening how much I disagree and try to hold onto the slice of dream-like trance to make everything better. I was once put under the magnified glass, probed as if these actions were ones I was making and I wasn’t making them. Your making them. They are your actions and I will step aside. Tying the noose on my beliefs. Applauding something I don’t feel deserves the applaud. Blocking out what's happening all around with substances; music and liquid, I'm swimming in the beats, sipping on the beats and I am getting wasted to cover up things I don’t want to face because facing them with liquid music in my eyes makes it easier to pass the time and the time is now, help me applaud to this car crash. Don’t read into the words or take them as poetic analogies, for they are simple feelings metamorphosed into a more verbal approach. Take note of this. Look at it. Read it and don't fly off your rocket. I do not doubt the action or the feeling or the moment you are experiencing I do not doubt it at all. I am not enraged. I am not jealous. I am no longer going to worry. I am going to shelve my beliefs, tie the noose tight and throw the feelings somewhere else. I am no longer going to fight it with compassion or desire, I am no longer going to try and figure it out in a pretty way to paint pictures that will take away the empty feeling. I am going to walk away. Let the flame flicker in my shadow. I am going to drink away the pain with intoxicating music like an alcoholic to the reality of what I've done. I am shelved.

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